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SpryOfJune · Nov 15, 2018 8:50 AM

I've found myself rather down lately, but I've been trying to not let it get to me, with a few times here and there that I just need a moment. For like two months, I've noticed I'm quite inactive on here, compared to how I used to be. So, I've been trying to be more active on here, but I'm failing. I'm trying to tell myself not to just sell everything and quit. I've worked so hard on here, and I love this game. But I don't know what to do... I'm overwhelmed on here by pixel horses and ponies, but the moment I sell one, three more take it's place. But, I'm working on that. Aside from that mess, I've been trying to figure out somehow to make myself less depressed. Since I lost my job back in like... September? I've been so depressed, I've basically given up. I've applied for a few jobs here and there, with no luck. I owe $55 on something, and literally no way to pay it, and no money coming in at any point soon. So, I'm stressing over that. But then something happened with a friend, and that's had me severely stressed and filled with anxiety lately, and I've barely eaten, and I've been constantly nauseated. Somtimes, I feel better when my bf messages me, but that's...temporary. Because he works, and that depresses me more, because I'm thinking that he's got a job, and I still don't... people I know getting them left and right. But here I sit. A friend of mine had one, she quit. Got another immediately, but then she quit. And got another. Like, okay. I'll be alright. (I will on that aspect, yeah). But like... Though I'm 24, I live with my parents, but it's really stressful because I can't get along with my mom very well, and it upsets my stepdad, and then he's mad, and she's mad, and I'm mad. I literally have zero friends in real life. That's nowhere close to being a lie. I wish it were. I have no one that I can talk to about anything. All I have is my cat and dog. It's gotten to the point, that everything I do turns stressful. And every time I turn around, I'm crying. Literally. If I drop something, I'm crying. If I accidentally break something, I'm crying. Spill something? Also crying. But then again, I've got some awful anger that keeps coming out at random times, and I fear that might turn really bad, if my mom/patents don't give me a break. I've seriously considered taking my cat, and walking out the door and not looking back. (I'd take my dog, but she's huge, and a pain to try to do anything with). Of course, doing this would make me homeless, but I don't know what else to do anymore. I'm tired of living in a constant stressful situation, and there never being a stopping point. Some days, I wish I didn't exist, but I know I'd never do anything on that subject. If I tell my stepdad that I need to go to the hospital for my depression and such, I'll just get griped at and cussed, therefore adding to the stress, anxiety, and depression. I've been trying to fall asleep since about 1am, and it's now almost 3am, and I've been crying for almost an hour...and now I feel extremely nauseated. Again. I was trying to do better. Now? I've literally just given up. I can't keep doing this anymore. I literally am fighting a losing battle against myself, my family, and my mind. Well, I guess I'll go back to crying and stop bothering you all...

Seaswell22 · Nov 15, 2018 9:31 AM

Dearest Spry,

You are loved. You are already a smile worthy presence in so many lives. Make the appointment. The help is worth the hassle.

~someone who has been in the dark

Xceptional · Nov 15, 2018 10:56 AM

Spry,

I know where you are coming from. I suffer from a Panic Disorder, Anxiety Disorder and Depression. There is light at the end of the tunnel. As Seaswell22 said make the appointment. It is worth it. This game has been good for me. If I feel my anxiety or depression breaking through my medication, the game gives me something to think about besides myself.
Don't give up. We all love you and will be here for you.
Love,
Xceptional

sebeth204 · Nov 15, 2018 10:58 AM

Oh Spry. You're not alone. I've been there too, and it sucks. I know you know this, but it's so important to get help. Try talking to your mom if that's less intimidating than your stepdad. If not, are there other family members who you could ask, grandparents or aunts or cousins? I know it feels like a lot of effort, but know that you're worth it. Even if you feel like total crap, you're worth it. You have friends here any time. <3<br />

I don't know where you live, but if you're in the US, here are some resources that might help:

This is an awesome guide to all of the resources available to help you find help.

Here is a guide to finding therapy when you can't afford it.

sebeth204 · Nov 15, 2018 11:15 AM

Also, I've found guided mediation to be super helpful. There are a couple smartphone apps that are super easy to start with. Calm is my favorite app (but to unlock most meditations you have to pay the premium subscription), but Headspace is really awesome too (and more is available on the free version).

I know it sounds a little hippy dippy, but it's nothing crazy - it's just teaching you to find the peaceful place inside yourself and react less when bad stuff happens external to you. It takes practice to be truly beneficial so try to stick to it for a week or two before you decide on it, but it could be a low cost, low effort way to work on building yourself back up. <3

Bourbon · Nov 15, 2018 11:39 AM

Hi Spry!

I know we haven't really talked much on here, but you're a very valued member of this community and it would be such a shame to see you give up and go. You've built up a wonderful collection of horses, but maybe you should take a break from breeding for a few seasons so you can have a little space to not worry about sorting out stock.

With the depression, isolation, anger and anxiety I know it very well. I know it really doesn't seem like it right now, but it does get easier and at some point, it won't be seeping into every feeling you have. You're strong. Stronger than you know, and you've got this! Jobs come and go, don't stress over that please. Sometimes it just takes a while, but you'll get that part of your life sorted. You'll eventually get on with your parents too, but that'll take some space and some time. Can you crash at your boyfriends for a while, or a grandma, aunt/uncle/cousin? Even a couple of nights so you have company with someone who isn't frustrated and you can let your feelings settle.

As mentioned above, guided meditation can be awesome! So can some yoga, a could stroll through some rural woods and literally getting some fresh air. Also please go see a therapist, or a doctor with your depression if you can. What other people think have no effect on your life as they're not leading it, only what you think and feel you should do matters. You do you, and sometimes you need a professional to help you with this.

You've got this!

SeldomSeen · Nov 15, 2018 2:31 PM

I'm currently in an anxiety loop where the stress from life has got me to stop taking any of my medication. My husband is begging me to make an appt with my doctor and I probably will by the end of the year. I'm dreading it because I will have to admit that I've stopped taking care of myself, which means multiple blood tests to make sure the dosages are correct. Also I hate disappointing people.
There have been a few instances this year where I've just wanted to grab my dog and just leave my 4 kids and husband behind. This feeling has sometimes lasted weeks. I know this is not something I really want to do.
I can't work because of my youngest and all her issues. Which is really hurting us right now. I drive for Lyft and I resell on eBay but I'm not able to work on either consistently enough to really help right now. Especially since my vehicle is in a recall and until I get it fixed I'm not driving it commercially.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I get it. As much as anyone could. Go see your doctor, get some meds, see a therapist. I see someone has given you some info to help if you can't afford one. Also your city/county services (if you're US) may have more options available. I'll call my doctor. We can get help together.

You are not alone in this, you are loved, you are valued and this CAN end.

SandycreekFarm · Nov 15, 2018 4:39 PM

You're getting so much encouragement and good advice there's not much I can add. If I were near enough, I'd offer you a hug and a shoulder to cry on, so you'd know you're not alone. You've made a difference in this community; we know what a good person and creative thinker you are. You are valued and loved. Hang in there, Spry. Start with small steps. Stay in touch with us here. My prayers are with you.

Maribo · Nov 15, 2018 5:06 PM

Call a doctor, get the help. It is worth it.

Lovingly, a survivor of depression, suicidal thoughts, generalized anxiety, agoraphobia and panic disorder (since I was 10, now 33 and still fighting).

Haltanny · Nov 15, 2018 5:15 PM

Hi Spry

I know the same feelings, especially the anger, along with the fear of it coming out at the wrong time and making things worse. The not eating, hard time finding a job, all of it. I'm not a doctor and obviously can't diagnose anything, but it sounds - all together - very similar to myself especially before my diagnosis. I have c-PTSD (along with other things). Any kind of trauma can cause PTSD, especially if you already had general anxiety or depression. I encourage you to please make the appointment and go! Talk to a professional about everything, even things that might be embarrassing (i.e. I'm embarrassed to say there have been points in the past I was so bad I didn't shower for weeks). Many places are income based - my first appointment was free and then only $10 for several months. You don't have to talk to your parents about it if it's causing issues, some people will never understand. If you need a ride, ask your boyfriend. If he can't because of work, ask for money to cover a taxi or uber or something. I know asking for things can be stressful, but it will be worth it in the long run. You are worth it.

SpryOfJune · Nov 15, 2018 6:36 PM

@Seaswell22
Thank you. It does mean a lot.

@Xceptional
Thank you. I'm trying. It's just hard to do much involving a phone, since my phone is prepaid, and we can't afford the service for it. But I'm trying to figure something out.

@Sebeth204
Thanks. Honestly, both can be pretty intimidating. Like... She'll just tell me how he won't be happy and she'll never hear the end of it. Ugh. Sadly, my closest relatives are states away, and I don't have contact with many of them. I do live in the US, in Alabama. Thank you for the links and other useful information that I'll look into.

@Bourbon
I've thought of not breeding for a while, but the sad reality is that I'll still be having to sort things either when I breed again, or when I stop. My barns are insane right now. Mislabeled, horses thrown wherever. It's crazy.
Thank you. I think I'm more stressing over the job because it was my second job I've ever had, and my second this year. Neither one lasting over two months.
I do wish I could stay at my boyfriend's place, but that's hard being I'm in the US, and he's in Australia. That makes everything even harder to realize. Like... oh, he's able to talk, but now it's night for me, and oh well. I may look into staying with a relative for a bit, though all are out of my state. Thanks. I'm trying to see what can be done about a doctor/therapist. I used to have one, but they screwed me with money, so I had to stop going.

@SeldomSeen
Thank you. I really am not sure what to say, other than thank you. Like... I understand, but you know that, I'm sure. I'm trying to figure something out with a doctor.

@SandycreekFarm
Thank you. That does mean a lot.

@Maribo
Thank you. I'm trying.

@Haltanny
Thank you. I've been to doctors/therapists before, and have been told of many issues. When I was younger, one said PTSD, but it was never confirmed. I also have ADHD, Major Depression, Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Bipolar. I'm not one to say that on a public forum like this, but I trust you all, and feel you should know just what I'm having to deal with, aside from what I already mentioned.
Sadly, I must admit, I'm in that shower state. Though, it's not been weeks. It was like a week, until I took one yesterday. Now, my mom and neighbor got really upset with me about a year ago, when I mentioned when I'd last bathed. I thought it was like a week before then, turns out it had been like over 3 weeks. I'm trying to better myself with that, and the most it's been so far is like 4-7 days. Some weeks, I'll shower every other day, other weeks, I can't remember when I last did.

MoonAcre Stables · Nov 15, 2018 9:32 PM

I would like to type out a longer response I just am in a hurry right this second. I, like almost everyone who has commented deal with anxiety, depression, and suidical thoughts ( that I also would never act on.) Its hard. And then I get good days and the bad days make me appreciate the good ones so much more. Seasonal depression is also a very real thing which may be why its been harder for you recently. If you can get to a therapist I think that would really help. You dont need to tell your stepdad why. Just say you think youll really benefit from having someone tk talk to. There are also online support groups and chat rooms where you can talk to counselors if you cant get to an therapist in the flesh. And I am 100 percent serious and genuine in saying if you ever need someone to talk to please dont hesitate to message me. Ill even give you my phone number if youd like to text me since I dont get on here every single day. Or you can add me on facebook. Youre not alone. And I know it feels like it even when you know youre not alone. And if you need to take a break from the game for a month or a couple months thats okay! Itll still be here when youre ready to come back that doesnt mean you have to sell any horses! Sending lots of hugs and good positive energy your way.

Oh quick note. Dont beat yourself up too much over the job. Another one will come your way soon.

Cheers · Nov 15, 2018 9:48 PM

You are loved. You are valued. Please get yourself the help you need. I’m sending you so many positive vibes from down here right now!

With love from another who’s been there and walked this dark path. It does get better.

SpryOfJune · Nov 15, 2018 9:59 PM

MoonAcre, thank you. It means a lot. And I'll keep in mind to message you. Though, my terrible memory may mess with remembering that.

@Cheers
I do thank you. I'm trying to figure something out, though being broke doesn't help.

ApollosLegacy · Nov 15, 2018 11:31 PM

Spry...I'm in a similar boat right now...my fiance and our son and our 2 dogs are in trouble. My fiance's car died so we ha e to share one, hes job has taken him off the schedule and wo t answer or return his calls and we have media Bill's out the wazoo cause he was in the hospital off and on for 2 months. My vet tech salary is dismal at best and were trying to survive on it. Our rent is 2 weeks over due and the landlord says pay up or get out, we have no where to go...no money to spare and his car is needing repairs...I dont know if your religious or not or what your beliefs are, but I've turned to trusting in my faith and prayer several times a day, in addition to seeing my doctor and being put on anxiety meds...every day is a struggle....just know you are not alone...coming online to the community here is my vacation from the stress of real life. Were all here for you when you need us, always remember that.

SpryOfJune · Nov 16, 2018 7:08 AM

@ApollosLegacy
I missed the notification, sorry.
Oh my. That's gotta be hard to deal with and go through. I have no idea how you manage. I'm about to explode for you. I'm sorry, though.
And I'm honestly not sure what to say I am anymore. I used to consider myself Christian, and I believed. Part of me still wants to believe, while the rest of me is just completely unsure.
And thank you.

JustaSaddletramp · Nov 16, 2018 8:59 AM

Take care of you, Spry. You do have friends who care and want to keep you around!

When you're having a bad time, find something to do that makes you smile or laugh, no matter how silly it may seem to anyone else! Listen to music, read a funny book, watch a movie or even cartoons, color, paint... Do anything to brighten your heart and mind for a few minutes.

If you make a habit of it, self-medicating with laughter can go from making life better a few minutes at a time to brightening hours or even a whole day, I promise. I know, I was in the bottom of that deep dark hole myself and it helped me get a little light in my life. My dogs, music, books, and comedies like M*A*S*H and Friends are my 'medicine'. Any laugh is a good one!

sebeth204 · Nov 16, 2018 12:07 PM

Hey @SpryOfJune, another cheap/free option if you're open to it is to find counseling through a church. Most pastors are willing to talk to people in crisis. Best of luck!

ApollosLegacy · Nov 16, 2018 3:38 PM

@SpryOfJune, honestly when your down it can be hard to believe, trust me... I'm there, but I have to trust that things will work out, that everything happens for a reason... and I guess I know that if my fiancé and I can get through this crisis then we can overcome anything. Trust your friends here, were all here to help one another, that's the amazing thing about this site, we are people from all over the world but were connected by our love of horses. Let me know if you ever need someone to talk to...we can help each other get through the hard times life has thrown our way.

Stone Run Stables · Nov 16, 2018 11:25 PM

Spry, I'm sorry to hear you are hurting and I know you're probably tired of hearing this by now, but it does get better, I promise. I also suffer from anxiety and depression and I know what it's like to have a dad that doesn't understand that being either of those things isn't your fault. I have a specific show and a specific band that I can watch/listen to that helps me forget everything for awhile. See if you can't find something like that for yourself, I know it helped me push through.

If your disorganized barns are one of the things stressing you out, I would be more than willing to help you with that. Don't be scared to message me if you need someone to talk to <3

SpryOfJune · Nov 17, 2018 2:36 AM

@JustaSaddletramp
Thank you. I definitely need to try doing something that makes me happier.
Thank you. It's a bit helpful just knowing that all of you actually care more than my head said. If that makes sense.

@sebeth204
I haven't thought of that, but I don't go to church very often. It's rather complicated on my end.

@ApollosLegacy
Thank you. I hope something works out for you. And I'll defintely let you know.

Stone Run Stables
Thank you.
They are, but at the moment, I have someone filling your offer, but I'll certainly let you know if I need any extra help! :)

RoseFlute · Nov 17, 2018 7:38 AM

Wow Spry, that's heartbreaking. :-<

Your brain is wrong. It's lying to you all the time, and the easiest person to deceive is ourselves. Get help, because if someone you trust can tell you often enough that you are worth taking care of yourself and your worth as a person is not defined by your output or income, then you'll start believing it. The intellectual habits of thinking badly of yourself will be interrupted by memories of your friend or therapist disagreeing.
It really does get better.

My advice is to take up a simpler form of journalling where you just write down good things about your life every day. If it takes you a long time to think of anything, don't worry, it's there, take a breath and go back to simple things or small things. Keep the book somewhere close, maybe on your phone, so that you don't have to make much effort to get to it.
And also I'm sure you've tried so much in your search for a job, but if you haven't considered minimum wage things like cashier or cleaner yet, or under the table jobs like weeding someone's garden for one day, don't be afraid to start them. They'll help you because at least you can tell your brain no, I got myself this job, I am being productive, I am earning something, I am making progress/holding steady farther up than I used to be.
Another thing--NOT to minimize your pain, because you're clearly in a world of it...is that if your most worrying debt is $55 dollars then things could be much worse. That's something you could pay off with a single paycheck from a minimum wage job, as opposed to something that would take years of payments to cover. I know personally that having anything waiting on you with no progress in sight can be anxiety-inducing, but it is a bright side.
Since you're feeling like you have no friends, I would advise finding a church like someone above said, and talking to strangers during the social hour after the service. It can depend on the church, I'll admit, but you can find a church that will make you feel welcomed. :) Having something to do weekly adds a bit of structure to your life, and if nothing else it gets you out of the house. If that's impossible (if you want to hear sermons again and remember God, then you can find anything online) then maybe you could message old friends. Talking into a screen is such a cold way of having a relationship, but it is something, and it can lead to meetings.
Lastly, HuntandJump...take a break from breeding, but keep coming to the forum for some human interaction. Simplify your sorting process--I just name foals their generation number and sire name now, and maayyybe add interesting genes. I found giving away 800 (96%) of my breeding stock extremely liberating, but you probably won't have to do all that. :P

See if making yourself a plan helps. Even a small one, like every morning I'll write one good thing in my good things notebook. Express your feelings and thoughts, even if it's just on a paper that no one will see. If some of this is because you have a lot bottled up, it will help release some pressure. Talk to your cat, it's not actually a crazy thing to do.
All of us care whether you exist in this world.

SpryOfJune · Nov 17, 2018 8:01 AM

@RoseFlute
Thank you. I really have no idea how to reply to all that. It's such good information and such. And I'll have to try the notepad idea. I've never really thought about that.
Sadly, I wish the $55 was the least of my money worries, but it's the easiest to pay off. I owe around $30k to doctors and hospitals. But that amount, I could never dent, I'm sure.
I've had 2 jobs before... both being minimum wage. The first one, the pay wasn't terrible, but they overworked me so much, I felt like I was dying. Then, my second one, barely worked me and I got about $100 a week. So, like... that was stressful, because what's $100 to do for a family of 3, who wonder if the rent or electricity will be paid that week/month. Or if the cats will have to eat dog food until we can get cat food. Or what we'll have for dinner, since there's not much in the cabinets and we've got 80 cents left to our names. I don't know how we do it. But we do.
Again, thank you.

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