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SpryOfJune · Jul 15, 2018 9:59 PM

So... Like... I just realized I got myself into some complicated mess. I have no idea how this happened, but it did. Well... About a month ago, this girl I've liked forever (Sophie) finally asked me out (she's an entire country away, but I didn't even care). Well... Within weeks, I found out she was also with like six other people... It bothered me, yes. But she explained, said she could have sworn she told me this before asking me out. So, I had learned to get over it. I still loved her... Well, I then realized it seemed she was messaging everyone else instead of me... I never mentioned it, didn't figure it was anything to bother with... And in a way, she's gotten better at replying to me.. but she still has moments where I send something and she never replies... But the second she sends something and I don't reply, she gets upset with me. She's very sweet, yes, but when she wants to be. It seems it's all done on her time, and that's all. I've considered leaving her, but you know...I can't... Even given how much she's done that's literally hurt me, I can't leave. There's that part of me that still loves her. While there's that part of me that hates myself for staying. But then, someone ( M ) starts messaging me, and we realize that we both like each other... But they can't do long distance relationships, though we're in the same country... Okay, that's fine. Friends is still good, right? Well, upon messaging more and more each day, I have come to realize... Sophie and I have next to nothing in common, and M and I have so much in common, you'd think we could be the same person. The more I speak to her, the more I think about me and Sophie. The more I wish I hadn't gotten into this. The more it makes me wish M would be willing to be with me, even though I do understand why she doesn't. I mean... She does want to, but we're not in the same place. She's literally the only person I've ever been dead asleep, and kept waking up just to see if she's messaged. She's the only person I've stayed up until 2AM talking on the phone with, and couldn't even hang up. She's the only person I've messaged until 5AM, and then at 8AM began messaging again. She's the only one of her and Sophie that I've said to myself, "You know what I'd give to be with her?" I still love Sophie, yes. She was there for me (in messages) when I was in the hospital yesterday. She kept telling me I was okay, everything. She knows how I am with people. She seems to care about that. Yes, I had my people on here, but that's slightly different. I'm not dating any of you. Lol. But... I know, for a fact, if M ever said, "I want to be with you, now." I'd immediately drop everything with Sophie. I would. She doesn't make me half as happy as M does. But like... I don't know what to do until that point... I can't keep any of this up, I just can't...
It's to the point, I seriously just wanna cry, and leave everything forever. Just stay in bed until I'm done. :-S

Okay, I'm done. I just needed to say that, and I didn't know who to go to specifically, so...I went to everyone. Lol

Yes, they know about each other. Well... I told M about me being with Sophie, but I think she's forgotten. And Sophie knows about M, and doesn't mind her.

HTRanch · Jul 16, 2018 3:26 AM

Sounds tough, sorry! I'm not here to tell you what you should or shouldn't do, but this Sophie person sounds a little manipulative, especially if she lied to you about being involved with others (or at least didn't make it crystal clear). If she's mad at you for not replying and yet she doesn't reply, that's a double standard. And if she is only kind to you when she wants to be, it might be good to question her motives for being kind in that moment. Or maybe I'm reading it all wrong, it's your story after all :)

I've been in my fair share of manipulative relationships, both romantic and platonic, and it isn't fun to be made to feel like you aren't worthy of another person. It's hard, but with certain people I really deeply care about, I've had to set up boundaries about what is ok and not ok in our relationship, and in some circumstances cut them completely out of my life (only as a last resort). Again, it's no fun, but if your relationship with another person is harming you, even mentally or emotionally, it's really important to find a space where you can be healthy, with or without them supporting you.

Hugs! Life is confusing sometimes.

SpryOfJune · Jul 16, 2018 3:42 AM

@HTRanch

It kinda is.. and well... I'm not sure what to say she did/didn't say/do about being with the multiple people. Her statement before we got together was, "I've been with six people." Making me think she meant that she's been with six people before me. But it truly bothers me that she's allowed to not message me for days, but then the second I don't reply, I'm being "fused at". It's to the point that I can't put up with it anymore, and want to leave. But there's still that part of me that cares and doesn't want to leave. It's like... She's there when she wants to be... And I get that she's quite often depressed, but so am I. That doesn't make me do/not do the things she does. That doesn't make me seem to care less about someone. Anyways... I definitely understand what you're saying. And thank you. And *hug*

Salvistar · Jul 16, 2018 4:01 AM

My two bits for what it’s worth:

If Sophie has other partners while she is going with you then she’s not as invested in the relationship as you are. The fact that M makes you much happier makes it pretty clear to me that Sophie is not the gal for you. Even though M is not able to be with you, why settle for a just ok relationship?

My other thought is that it sounds like both of these relationships are primarily virtual. Relationships that have no possibility of leaving that virtual realm are ultimately never going to be as satisfying as someone you can spend time with in person. There is only so much you can do with someone via messages or a webcam. There’s also the potential for someone to easily be deceptive, whether it’s a complete lie about who they are, or even the fact that they can screen everything they show you to present only certain aspects of themselves. If I’m totally wrong assuming the “virtual” aspect of these relationships my apologies for misinterpreting.

I think you should try to arrange some sort of friendly outing with M in a public place. Even if it doesn’t lead to a relationship, an actual in person friendship can be fulfilling as well.

SpryOfJune · Jul 16, 2018 4:15 AM

@Salvistar

That definitely makes sense. And I understand completely.

Actually, M and I have been planning on meeting each other somewhere. We just haven't figured out where yet, and we know it's going to have to be in several months, as we cannot afford to go anywhere at the moment. We each need time to plan the day, and have money saved so we can see each other.

Ammit · Jul 16, 2018 10:56 AM

Poly relationships are very difficult and take massive amount of interpersonal communication and careful handling between everyone involved. It sounds like this one is unhealthy and potentially abusive. Respect yourself. What would a really amazing friend who knew the whole picture tell you to do in this case? Have the answer in mind? Listen to "their" advice.

SpryOfJune · Jul 16, 2018 2:37 PM

@Ammit
That makes sense to me... And I think it seems like a really good "short answer"...

Bandit1119 · Jul 16, 2018 3:33 PM

Sort of sounds like you know what needs to be done you just need to do it.

Some people can make long distance relationships work.

I for one find them difficult and messy unless both peoples communication skills are awesome. It’s also super easy for one person to find themselves doing all the work and getting little reward.

This is why my last relationship fizzled. We only lived 45 min apart but I was the only one with a car and would end up driving all over just to sit and watch tv (I don’t even have tv/cable at home because I find it boring, I rent DVDs and have a few series downloaded if I want background noise)

SpryOfJune · Jul 16, 2018 4:20 PM

@Bandit1119

That certainly makes sense. And honestly, I don't have the best communication skills. It's hard for me to be the first one to say something to someone, and it's hard for me to say what needs to be said. Plus, I don't explain things very well, sometimes. And sometimes, my mind just goes completely blank, and I can't remember what I was going to say. Other times, I know what I wanna say, but I'm afraid to say it. And being this type of person, it's even harder when the other person doesn't even try it talk. So far, this is my second long distance relationship. And the first one was a fail, and it's appearing this one is, too. I think I would give up on long distance relationships, if people where I live acted like they liked me or that I even existed.

Bandit1119 · Jul 17, 2018 12:26 AM

Next month will be a year since I ended it and after that I didn’t even look for someone else. I want to do things that make myself happy and feel good. I don’t want to depend on another person to find happiness and I don’t like how I feel like I ended up changing every part of who I am to please them or restrict things that make me happy because it’s not an interest of theirs.

It is hard sometimes. I’ve lived here for 10 years and have friends but they’re not close, randomly dropping by just because they just feel like it, sort of friends. My close friends that I grew up with are a province or country apart from me.

If I meet someone that enriches my happiness I may change my mind but for now I’m happy on my own. Even if its not always butterflies and rainbows and is sometimes a bit lonely.

SpryOfJune · Jul 17, 2018 12:34 AM

@Bandit1119

That definitely makes sense. And I understand everything you're saying. And thank you.

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